憂鬱症及孤獨

Yet I experienced sometimes that the most sweet and tender, the most innocent and encouraging society may be found in any natural object, even for the poor misanthrope and most melancholy man. There can be no very black melancholy to him who lives in the midst of Nature and has his senses still. There was never yet such a storm but it was Æolian music to a healthy and innocent ear. Nothing can rightly compel a simple and brave man to a vulgar sadness. While I enjoy the friendship of the seasons I trust that nothing can make life a burden to me. The gentle rain which waters my beans and keeps me in the house today is not drear and melancholy, but good for me too. Though it prevents my hoeing them, it is of far more worth than my hoeing. If it should continue so long as to cause the seeds to rot in the ground and destroy the potatoes in the low lands, it would still be good for the grass on the uplands, and, being good for the grass, it would be good for me. Sometimes, when I compare myself with other men, it seems as if I were more favored by the gods than they, beyond any deserts that I am conscious of; as if I had a warrant and surety at their hands which my fellows have not, and were especially guided and guarded. I do not flatter myself, but if it be possible they flatter me. I have never felt lonesome, or in the least oppressed by a sense of solitude, but once, and that was a few weeks after I came to the woods, when, for an hour, I doubted if the near neighborhood of man was not essential to a serene and healthy life. To be alone was something unpleasant. But I was at the same time conscious of a slight insanity in my mood, and seemed to foresee my recovery. In the midst of a gentle rain while these thoughts prevailed, I was suddenly sensible of such sweet and beneficent society in Nature, in the very pattering of the drops, and in every sound and sight around my house, an infinite and unaccountable friendliness all at once like an atmosphere sustaining me, as made the fancied advantages of human neighborhood insignificant, and I have never thought of them since. Every little pine needle expanded and swelled with sympathy and befriended me. I was so distinctly made aware of the presence of something kindred to me, even in scenes which we are accustomed to call wild and dreary, and also that the nearest of blood to me and humanest was not a person nor a villager, that I thought no place could ever be strange to me again.

憂鬱症，是「一種陰霾般的低潮情緒籠罩的心理疾病，宛如織網般地難以揮去，而不是一種短暫可消失的情緒低沈」。聯合國世界衛生組織(WHO)說，在2020年全世界有三大疾病需要重視，包括：心血管疾病、憂鬱症與愛滋病。憂鬱症會造成嚴重的社會經濟負擔，在所有疾病中排名第二，僅次於心血管疾病。憂鬱症也是所有造成失能疾病的第一名。

即便比一般人更注重我的內心，力圖解脫人生的一切枷鎖，但孤獨感仍像幽靈一般在我身旁纒繞不去。這也許是住在城市裡的關係。台灣道路的修補與開挖，因為沒有經過共同管道，所以經常有一個月挖補數次的情形發生在廣州一街。三月(世運那一年)的最後一個星期，某天早上，將小狗放到屋頂上不久，就傳來轟隆隆的巨響。原來是鑽地機正在搗碎柏油路面。上到屋頂一看，果然把小狗嚇的蜷縮在水塔底下。我不知道路面的開挖與我的孤獨感有何關聯，也許愈是嘈雜憒鬧，孤獨的幽靈就愈能從中作祟。水泥築成的各式囚牢也許是另一原因；就算我只是稍微離開市區，都能感到身心的輕快。

在<孤獨>這一章中，梭羅說他從來不覺得孤單；只有一次，在搬進林中小屋幾個星期後的一個下雨天，大約一個鐘頭的時間，他感到孤獨，懷疑這樣一個人住是不是不太健康；他那個時候想著：獨處畢竟不是件愉快的事。接著他感到自己大概精神有些錯亂，而預知了自己的康復。我想，這是因為梭羅經常觀照自己的心理狀態才能有這種自癒的能力；一般人恐怕無法辦到。

他說：「如果一個人仍有知覺，不論他有多麼的厭世和憂鬱，都可以在自然界中找到最甜美溫馨，純潔而令人鼓舞的社會關係。」就在梭羅為孤獨感而無助的那個鐘頭，外頭的雨聲則用最柔和的語調圍繞在他的小屋，表達伊無限佮算不清的情義。這款的相挺馬上讓那些與人作伙可得到的好處變的微不足道，此後他對那些好處再也沒有任何想頭。


寫到這裡，突然間，外頭原本吵鬧的機車聲似乎也變的可愛起來。原來廣州一街也可以是我的大自然。